


Hope to those who have not (Pt. 7\?) by Adalisa

by m_a_archive_owner



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 00:06:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1407634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_a_archive_owner/pseuds/m_a_archive_owner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Qui Gon's thoughts about Obi-Wan while he and Anakin</p><p>Note from mods: this story was originally archived at www.masterapprentice.org, which has closed due to code rot. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2014. The m_a list was mailed in December 2013 as well as posted to a number of LJ and Dreamwidth communities about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact us using the e-mail address on collection profile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope to those who have not (Pt. 7\?) by Adalisa

|  [Master Apprentice](http://www.masterapprentice.org/html/index.html) [Archive](http://www.masterapprentice.org/html/archive.html) Hope to those who have not (7/12)  |  Quick search:   
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##  Hope to those who have not (Pt. 7\?) 

###  by Adalisa 

Email: marioz@spin.com.mx

Feedback: I love it. It's inspiring... and let's face it, it's  
the only real reason to keep writing.

Distribution: M_A site, my site. Everybody else just ask, I  
won't say no.

Website: http://members.tripod.com/luxshine/

Summary:Qui Gon's thoughts about Obi-Wan while he and Anakin  
are on their way to Dantooine.

Sequel to: Hope to those who have not (Pt. 6\?)

Rating: G

Disclaimer: George Lucas is god and owns this characters. But  
when he is not looking we borrow them for a while. :)  
Seriously, I'm not making any money out of this. Really.

Content: Q\O

Warning: This has m/m slash. If you're not into this, don't  
read it. O.k.? Flames will be used to feed the plot-bunnies.

Spoilers: Very few for the movie, a couple for JA 2. It's an  
AU, and it doesn't follow Canon.

  


I do not know if I should be angry at myself for not doing this  
before or worried because I am doing it now.

Part of me is still saying I should be on Naboo, waiting for  
the Council's decision. They have never turned their backs to  
someone in need, or to an unfairness done in the Republic.

But it's a very small part of me.

The other part is too busy wondering why I had to wait until a  
nine year old boy pointed me in the right direction.

Wondering why I chose to hear Obi-Wan's last words to me as a  
rejection of my feelings.

'I must no longer be your concern' does not mean 'I don't share  
your feelings, master.' Not in my padawan's words at least.

He always was very forward in his dealings with me, never  
hiding his reproach if he felt that I was wrong.

With the exception of his decision to stay on Tatooine, true.

But I still wonder... was that because I was so blinded by  
Anakin's potential that I never noticed what was around me? Or  
because of my own hidden feelings?

Hidden from me at least - apparently everyone else had seen  
them from the beginning.

That was why after that last message from Obi-Wan's mind, I  
buried myself in meditation, trying to regain my center...  
another way of 'hiding my head in the sand' as Shmi Skywalker  
so bluntly stated. It was Anakin's message what made me see it  
was time to stop.

Even if it opened old wounds.

'I'm going to save Obi-Wan because he saved my mom.' the  
holographic image of Ani had said, 'If you can't come because  
the Council says so... then why should anyone want to become  
your Padawan?'

Yes, that hurt more than Ani could know, because the child  
cannot know that all his hopes and enthusiasm about being  
trained as a Jedi do not compare to Obi-Wan's own determination  
when he was 12 years old...

When I refused him for the first time.

The memory of my young Padawan standing next to the door with  
Xanatos' symbol, his eyes clear, his mind set on dying in order  
to save Bandomeer, in order to save **me** stirs my mind. He  
was set on dying then and there, as a Jedi, trying to save  
people instead of awaiting his death without doing anything. It  
was he who found out how to stop the bombs Xanatos had set on  
the planet, and how to help me to find the strength to bury the  
past. It wasn't the only time he saved me... he always seemed  
ready to put his life in the line of fire, as long as mine was  
safe...

Why I didn't think of this before?

"We might be going right into a trap, Ani." He turns to see me,  
surprise and shock filling his eyes.

"No way! 3PO would never betray me!" Such belief in his friends  
only fuels the fire of his conviction. I'm still sure that he  
would make a fine Jedi... but he is also too passionate at his  
young age. Perhaps he will become a better pilot, a true  
fighter.

"I never said that, Ani. I just believe that the man who has  
captured Obi-Wan might expect a rescue party. We must be  
ready."

"There are no weapons on this ship..." Anakin's voice sounds  
almost apologetic. But I understand his desire to take off  
immediately. If I had not been busy burying myself in  
self-pity, I would have done the same.

I nod, and take out something that I have been carrying with me  
since Tatooine. As soon as he sees it, his eyes grow with  
wonder.

It is Obi-Wan's lightsaber. One of many things he left behind,  
but the only one I could keep with me. "I cannot train you as a  
Jedi, Anakin. But I won't let you go into battle without some  
sort of defense. I am sure that Obi-Wan would be honored if you  
carried his lightsaber during this mission."

We're still days away from Dantoine. It will not be enough time  
to show Anakin more than the basic moves with the lightsaber.

But I cannot risk the boy's life as I go to save Obi-Wan. Not  
when he was the one who finally helped me to come this far.

So I smile at him, as he races to the cargo bay to start  
practicing, and then I follow. My thoughts travel to Obi-Wan,  
and his resignation when he realized that I would not accept  
him as a Padawan, his silent joy when I finally gave in and  
listened to my heart instead of listening to my past mistakes.

But the truth is that I was not the teacher in the most  
important part of our lives.

I might have taught Obi-Wan the Jedi principles, how to be  
mindful of the living Force, and how to act always according to  
the Code. But he taught me to break the self-imposed walls  
around my heart. That's the only lesson that really matters.

* * *

Dantooine is just a day away, but my heart is heavy with  
sorrow. I am not worried about Anakin; he is a good learner,  
and if things get bad, he will be able to defend himself.

It is Obi-Wan's safety and health the that concern me.

Every night after my Padawan cut our bond, when I realized the  
truth of my feelings, I wasted time meditating about the past,  
trying to regain my calm with memories of happier times. But  
when I realized what reasons Obi-Wan could have had for cutting  
the bond the way he did, I redirected all my efforts into  
rebuilding it.

Such an attempt, with so much distance between us, normally  
would be impossible.

But I always have believed that our bond is special. It was  
created almost by itself, when I was shielding myself tightly  
against Obi-Wan, against everyone.

Then, it was he who reached for me, even if he didn't know it  
at the time. Now, it's my turn to reach for his mind, to find  
him and give him what little support I can lend without being  
physically at his side. For the last three days, I sensed  
nothing. My mind stretched as far as I could send it, but if  
Obi-Wan was near, he was blocking himself from me.

But today it was different. Although it was only for a moment,  
I could feel Obi-Wan's presence through the broken bond... A  
split second that showed me more than I would have wanted to  
see...

It was an overwhelming sense of loss, betrayal, and despair.

Just as I tried to make a more permanent contact, to reach  
Obi-Wan with my own feelings, make him know that we were coming  
to his rescue, I was blocked by a wave of rage and hate.

The Dark Side.

It is closing near my beloved Padawan, keeping me away from  
him.

I can't allow that to happen.

Long ago, before I accepted Obi-Wan as my Padawan, I promised  
myself that I would not lose him to the Dark Side. In those  
days, it was out of shame from my failure with Xanatos. Now, it  
is because of my love for Obi-Wan.

I will not lose him.

I will not surrender my heart to the Dark Side.

* * *

Obi Wan's interlude.

I don't know if I can keep fighting.

I don't know if I want to resist.

I am waiting for my new owner to arrive, with only the company  
of one of the mute droids of the bounty hunter who bought me on  
Tatooine. I still do not know what is to be my final destiny,  
but have a small hope that it won't be worse than this.

I'm surprised that I'm still capable of hope, now that  
practically all else has been stripped from me.

Was it so long ago that I was at my Master's side, fighting for  
peace, and sure that the light would always triumph? It seems  
so. I can't remember how it feels to be at his side...

I love my Master. One day I woke up and I knew it was true...  
But I never acted on it, never told him what I felt. I was  
confident that even if he did not reciprocate my love, he would  
allow me to stay at his side. I wanted to trust him... I wanted  
to believe that he would find me after freeing Naboo...

Not anymore.

It is not only that I cut our link. It is not only that I do  
not want him to be prey to the same evil that has caught me...  
It is the certainty that he is not looking for me anymore...  
Because if he was looking for me, I wouldn't have been able to  
cut our bond that easily.

The doubts are not mine, or so I try to tell myself. They have  
been planted in my heart by the bounty hunter's words as he  
tortures me... as he touches me...

I shudder with shame every time my thoughts travel in that  
direction. When he saw that electro-shocks weren't enough to  
make me break... he devised other ways to break me.

I am no longer whole.

And while he raped my body, his words seeded my mind.

I was not strong enough to defend myself.

Tears of shame, of fear, of despair run down my face.

Then the door of my cage opens; I see my new owner's face for  
the first time and the fear grows in my heart so fast that I  
cannot stop it. I have seen his face before, and he is  
surrounded by nothing but rage and hate.

His red and black marked face smiles evilly at me as he  
inspects my naked body, to see the scars that the slavery has  
caused. His yellow eyes show me that they will be my last  
concern from now on, that he will make new ones.

But that is not what sickens me the most. That is not what  
makes the tears continue.

What shames me is that his touch makes me shudder.

That part of my heart now welcomes the Dark.

To be Continued...

  



End file.
